Staycation

“You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” “What are you doing for you?” You really, need to practice self-care.”

These are some of the phrases that constantly echoed in my head, as they have been spoken to me constantly over the past three years. The people around me worry that life is too much, that I don’t feel fully supported, and that I am simply running on fumes. As I was scolded on how I needed to take my self-care seriously, I was smirking, laughing even, in my head at the mention of it. “Are they being serious right now? Do they know my schedule? What am I supposed to do for me that will honestly make me feel better?”, are the thoughts that would roll through my mind as I would nod and smile to reassure them I was taking heed to their advice.

Oh, but they weren’t wrong. I could feel every part of me preparing for an explosion of catastrophic proportions.

I had only been away from Mia for one night in her two plus, years. Even while she was hospitalized for 63 days, and then again for 30 plus days, the thought of leaving was suffocating. She and I had grown very codependent of one another. However, as she fully embraces life as a toddler and her independence, I think I am the one who is more dependent at times. I had thrown out the idea of having some time to myself nonchalantly to my mother. She assured me she would do whatever was needed to support me. I wrestled with the idea for months.

What happened when you left Mia once before?

Fear and irrational thoughts started crippling me from moving forward with the idea. I would worry that something could happen to Mia while I was away. “That’s not so far fetched, it happened before.” Although yes, something could happen to Mia. However, she is immensely loved and surrounded by family members who have watched her in the past, and, whom are fully capable of caring for her.

When yearned for time alone, I would start minimizing the need and benefits the time away would inherently grant me. I would talk down on myself saying that she is my responsibility, and that life could be more stressful, more overwhelming, more and complex-that I should just be grateful that she is alive, and out of the hospital. I did not feel deserving of a break.

I had to actively counteract these thoughts with others that were based in positive truths.

I needed to evaluate what would happen to Mia or myself if I continued to operate on fumes. I would not be doing Mia any justice by not taking care of myself. The lack of care I had for myself would only consistently affect Mia negatively. Additionally, I did not want to envision a life where I was afraid to travel away from her. I wanted to envision a life where I am a whole, complex, and self-actualized individual, that also happens to be Mia’s mother.

A special needs toddler, frightening surgery, busy therapeutic schedule, my guilt, feelings of inadequacy, living every day through trauma, and the untimely passing of my father, all culminated together, helped push me to book my staycation.

I booked a two-night hotel stay ten minutes from my home.

The staycation got off to a rocky start. There was a miscommunication on who was going to be watching Mia, which eliminated some plans and delayed my check-in. Once things got straightened out and I arrived at my hotel, I was at peace. I thought I would be calling to check-in on Mia throughout my entire stay, but I am proud to say that I only called three times. I thoroughly enjoyed the solitude of being alone. I took long showers, napped on and off without setting alarms, binged watched Netflix, had my favorite snacks and wine, and even did some skincare with a luxurious gold mask. Originally, I planned to set goals, intentions, and to read. Although those are things essential to my self- care, I was more than happy to forgo those things for a little while longer. It was so wonderful to just, be. No pressure to think, plan, or overanalyze. The staycation was everything I knew I needed, but yet, did not know I had been waiting for. I did not feel one ounce of guilt for escaping reality. It was not an escape, but a moment of defining a new reality.

Upon returning home, I was overjoyed to see Mia but was ready to book my next staycation-this time, longer! I encourage anyone reading this to listen to your loved ones and support system around you, and tap into what you need. Book the room, vacation, spa day, or whatever will make you happy. You are deserving of a mental, physical, and emotional break to just, be. I am still struggling identifying what is needed for my self-care, and the implementation of those things. It takes constant effort to recognize when I need to reset and recharge. By default, I am so busy, there does not as if there is much room for anything else. That is a lie. There is always room to care for YOU. Booking the hotel stay was a great first step in establishing self-care wellness for myself. I hope after reading this, you too, dare to do the same.

xoxo